Verbal abuse creates emotional pain and
mental anguish. It is a lie told to you or about you. Verbal abuse defines
people by telling them what they are, what they think, and their motives. The
best way to deal with a verbally abusive relationship (whether you are the one accusing,
or the person defending themself) is to find out more about verbally abusive
relationships and their dynamics.
Verbal abuse usually happens in
private where no one else can intervene and eventually becomes a regular form
of communication within a relationship. Verbal abuse prevents real relationships.
This seems obvious, but the partner of an abuser may live under the
illusion that he or she has a real relationship. If a verbal abuser feels
unsure and anxious he may feel angry. Part
of being human is the ability to feel. The
verbal abuser is unwilling to accept his feelings and unwilling to reveal them
to a partner. Here are eleven common verbal abuse patterns to look out for
in a relationship:
·
Accusations-Often
stemming from severe jealousy, repeated accusations are a form of verbal abuse.
Being constantly accused of something often leads a partner to start
questioning themselves on whether they are doing something wrong. Examples: “I bet you are cheating on me. I
saw you had fun flirting with your boss again, while I was stuck chatting to
your boring coworkers.”
·
Blame-Blame
is one of the most common forms of verbal abuse and involves constantly putting
the blame for one’s actions onto their partner instead of taking responsibility
for them. This can include blaming a partner for something they had nothing to
do with, to blaming the partner for the abuser’s emotions. Examples: “You are the reason why we are
never on time for anything. Look what you made me do now.”
·
Circular
Arguments-If your partner constantly disagrees with you, starts an
argument whenever they see an opportunity, or if conversations and arguments
seem to go round in circles leaving you tired then these are all signs of an
unhealthy relationship. People on the receiving end of these types of
disagreements tend to feel like they’re walking in fear in order to avoid going
back to the same argument again. We do not need to always agree on everything
in a relationship, but there should be a mutual acceptance of this, rather than
an atmosphere of one-upping the other or engaging in arguments you can never
win.
Example: It may be about
who should turn out the light or who should say “I’m sorry”. These can become
circular arguments if the disagreement becomes a substitute for an underlying
feeling, such as “I feel disrespected, I feel hurt, or I feel afraid”. When
this happens, the argument can continuously revolve around superficial details
while the underlying feelings remain unresolved.
·
Condescension-Light
sarcasm and a cynical tone of voice should not be a constant part of your
interactions with a partner. This can also include being the constant butt
of your partner’s jokes. It can start off funny, which is why it often goes
undetected, but over time condescension becomes belittling. Example: “No wonder you are always moaning
about your weight, look how clean your plate is.”
·
Criticism-It’s
ok to provide constructive criticism when requested on occasion; being honest
with your partner is healthy. However, constant criticism and belittling of a
significant other are not healthy, and over time can lead to a significant loss
of self-esteem. Example: “Why are you so disorganized? I
can always count on you to ruin our nights out.”
·
Demeaning
Comments-If a partner puts you down using demeaning comments that refer to your race/ethnic
background, gender, religion, background in general, it is unhealthy. This
doesn’t even need to be consistent, if it happens once, it is no doubt going to
happen again, and should not be acceptable. A partner who loves and respects
you will not use something that is an inherent part of you to put you down. Examples: “I’m not surprised, you are
Asian, and all do that. You women, always cry for nothing.”
·
Gaslighting- This term comes from the 1938 stage
play Gas Light in
which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which
were powered by gas) in their home. When his wife points it out, he denies that
the light changed. Gaslighting includes discounting a partner’s emotions and making them wonder if their feelings are meaningless and/or
wrong.
This is a very common form of emotional abuse, and often
goes undetected as it can be severely manipulative. Gaslighting can make one
feel isolated and unable to express their feelings. People being gaslighted
often find themselves apologizing for behavior that they never committed. Examples: “Why are you always so sensitive
to everything? I never said that.
You’re making things up again. Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.
It’s all in your head.”
·
Manipulation-Sometimes it can be easy to spot a controlling personality, especially when someone continuously pushes their partner
to do and say things they are not always comfortable with. Manipulation, on the
other hand, can be more difficult to detect. It can be subtle, like turning situations around and putting the blame on
the abused partner. Example: “If you really loved me you
wouldn’t say or do that.”
·
Name-calling- This type of verbal abuse is probably the easiest one
to recognize. This includes being called names and/or being shouted at on a
regular basis. Arguments that always resort to yelling and the use of
aggressive phrases in a conversation are all signs that your communication is
anything but healthy. In a healthy relationship, partners step away from an argument or try to talk through
the issue. In a verbally abusive relationship, the abuser will yell until they
get what they want. Example: “You idiot, now you have made me
angry.”
·
Threats- While this may seem like an easy one to recognize, it
isn’t always the case. Threats can be dressed up in a way that makes them
appear as if they “aren’t so bad,” or in a way that makes you question if you
really heard right. But a threat is a threat and a loving partner does not
resort to them to get their way. Examples: ”I will hurt myself if you leave
me tonight. If you don’t do that you might find that your cat spends the night
outdoors.”
·
Withholding-Sometimes
a partner may walk away from an argument, preferring to let the dust settle to
engage in a more constructive conversation without flaring emotions. While this
is definitely a sign of a healthy relationship, the silent
treatment, often called withholding, is not.
Withholding may include your partner refusing to answer your
calls when they don’t get what they want or downright ignoring you over
nothing. Example: You are discussing restaurant options
and don’t want to go with your partner’s preference. They leave the room and
refuse to talk to you until you apologize for being “mean.”
A house where a
woman is unsafe is not a home.” (Woman, Liberia)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“11 Common Patterns of Verbal Abuse” by Jade Anna Hughes
·
“15 Common Forms of Verbal Abuse in Relationships”
by Berit Brogaard
·
“Circular Conversations” by Out of the Fog
·
“What
is Gaslighting?” by the National Domestic Violence hotline
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