Anger is a strong feeling of displeasure and/or hostility usually caused by someone or something that offends, threatens, or hurts you in some way. It can be good or bad depending on what you do with it and whether or not your grievance is real or imagined. Most of us have felt anger sometime in our life. It can make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. We can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates us. Laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive (not aggressive) manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward on yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological
expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm down inside. This means not just controlling your outward behavior, but
also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your heart
rate, calm yourself down, and let the feelings subside. The goal of anger
management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the physiological
arousal that anger causes.
Get curious about anger because you might discover an
untapped well of vital energy that improves your life circumstances and wakes
you up to the whole of life. If anger causes problems with your health and
happiness, then consider these facts below:
1.
Anger causes separation. Speaking of separation, what are the effects when you are
angry? Anger pushes people away, scares them, and makes them fight back or shut
down. Relationships don’t have room to breathe when they are defined by anger.
“How could you?” “You shouldn’t have…” Sound familiar? Remember that anger is
not the fault of the other. If you are angry, look within yourself. Lovingly
investigate what has been triggered in you, and your whole perspective on the
situation will shift.
2.
Anger comes from an overblown
sense of self-importance. Often,
what is beneath anger are statements like, “I’m right” and “I want my way.”
There is a huge attachment to “I” and the beliefs of that “I” that causes
separation and disharmony. Recognize these “I”-focused statements and know that
they keep you locked into one way of thinking.
Then inquire: Am I really right? Does this wanting to be
right help me and others? What does it mean to want my own way? What are the
implications? Exploration of these “I”-focused beliefs can lead you to untangle
the deepest knots that block your happiness.
3.
Anger has a strong physical
component. Bring out the microscope when you
are angry, and you will find strong physical sensations – tightness,
contraction, burning. Anger is a fiery emotion full of energy. If you don’t
want to be caught in anger, bring your attention right into these physical
sensations. Without running a story in your mind, fully allow yourself to feel
what is present. It might be difficult, but you won’t physically explode. Be
real with your sensations, and eventually the anger will stop controlling you.
4.
Anger traps you. The arising of anger is not necessarily a problem, and is
not even under your control. What matters is how you relate to anger once it is
present. If you dwell in the energetic sensations and convince yourself that
your thoughts are true, anger overtakes you. There is an alternative: feel the
sensations and tell the truth about the story. Then anger is your ally
revealing more deeply the essence of you.
5.
Perfectionists are angry. Are you a perfectionist? Then take an honest look at what
you are saying to yourself. You will undoubtedly find a repetitive loop playing
in your mind that is harsher than you might imagine. Don’t fool yourself. This
is anger. If you don’t want to be a slave to your perfectionist tendencies,
then go to the root of the problem and learn to meet your anger with love.
6.
Stories sustain anger. Angry stories barrel through our minds like an
out-of-control train careening down the tracks. To find freedom from anger, you
must recognize the story and see that repeating it doesn’t serve you. How much
longer are you going to let it be your
ball and chain?
Here are some strategies to help you soften the story: Open
up with compassion to everyone involved, including yourself. Recognize that you
are bringing the past into the present by repeating the story endlessly. Bring
your full attention into the sensations you are experiencing in the moment.
Commit to bringing all your actions in alignment with what you really, really
want.
7.
Unexplored anger can mute your
experience of life. Are you sitting
on a hotbed of anger, but keeping it so underground that you can hardly live?
Some people are so intent on keeping peace that they minimize the truth of
their experience. Are you blind to inner peace and pleasant living because of
your anger? Explore (and deal with) your anger so you can become alive to all
your life has to offer you.
“Every day we have plenty of
opportunities to get angry, stressed or offended. But what you're doing when
you indulge these negative emotions is giving something outside yourself power
over your happiness. You can choose to not let little things upset you.”
(Joel Osteen)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“Controlling Anger
before it Controls You” by American Psychological Association
·
“10
Life-Changing Facts about Anger” by Gail Brenner
·
“Anger” from Urban Dictionary
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