How should an adult child (married or single) relate to their parents? Every family has its own share of circumstances, from abusive to permissive to annoying. So how one adult child handles his or her parents isn’t necessarily a blueprint for another person. How should we, as adults, relate to our older parents? The fifth commandment to honor parents was not given to children. It was given to adults. Scripture is very clear that the way we treat our parents has significant ramifications not only for our physical life, but our spiritual one as well. How can adults honor their parents? Here are some guidelines for adult:
1.
Always respect
your parents (even when it is difficult). I’m amazed at how I hear otherwise good, godly people treat
their parents. I’ve been in nursing homes where adults are yelling and berating
their parents. I realize that sometimes parents are not the easiest people to
love, but this is why love is something we do in the strength of the God, and
is not something we primarily feel.
Your parents,
regardless of their flaws, brought you into the world. They nurtured and cared
for you and loved you the best way they could. Give them some respect, treat
them with kindness and deference, and realize that one day you’ll be the one in
their shoes.
2.
Be thankful for them. It’s fascinating to think
of how helpless we are when we come into this world. We can’t feed ourselves,
we can’t walk, we can’t clean ourselves and we can’t communicate. Even in the
cases where our parents are unbelievers we owe a lot to them. We should be
thankful for them and it’s going to be impossible to honor your parents unless
you begin by being thankful for them.
The fact that you are still alive today is a
pretty good reason to start with. Just go on the front page of any news site
and chances are you will find some story of a parent killing their child, or
abusing their children. Of course this is a much more difficult issue for those
who were neglected and abused by their parents, but for the majority of us
there’s a lot more to be thankful for than not. Even where thankfulness seems
impossible, as believers we are thankful for the troubles in our lives that God
uses for our good and His glory.
Resentment and frustration towards our
parents, reveals a heart that isn’t thankful and that isn’t valuing the
position of authority that God has given our parents over us. It is sad, and it
is sinful when we mistreat our parents with our words. If we were on our way to
meet with an important businessperson, or a celebrity, we would put on our best
face and speak with reverence and kindness. We are to put a lot of value on
this relationship and we should strive to treat them like we would treat the
most important people on earth.
3.
Don’t try to
change your parents. The real way to
love and honor your parents is to simply love and honor them, despite their
flaws and the annoying things you disliked when you were a child. Put up with
whatever it is they do that annoys you. Do it, not because you’ll get a
tangible benefit, but because they are your parents, and you are to love them.
Do it because
the heavenly Father has loved you despite the more-than-annoying things you
have done. Let your parents know they are welcome in your home, that you enjoy
having them around, and that they don’t have to be extremely careful around
you. Yes, you’re way of doing family may be different (that’s okay). Your
parents will probably give your kids candy before dinner (that’s okay, too).
And you’ll find
yourself wishing they were a little more this way or a bit more that way. They
are your parents—the ones God gave you—and if you are serious about obeying and
following Jesus, you’ll seek to honor and love them the best you can.
4.
Encourage them. As we said getting
older is difficult, and so parents are in need of encouragement. If they are
believers, encourage them in their walk with the Lord. Thank them for their
example. Push them towards increased involvement in the church. Point out their
strengths and encourage them to disciple younger men and women. Encourage them
to spend their last years serving the church in a way that they were not able
to when you were younger.
It is so easy to succumb to discouragement
over regrets from your past and current trials. There is nothing sweeter than
having your loved ones there as a source of encouragement. On the other hand,
if your parents don’t know the Lord, you should be pleading (encouraging) for
them to repent and give their lives to Christ.
5.
Find ways to
affirm the good things they did in your childhood. I’m not sure there is a generation with more childhood
anguish than mine. We really think our parents messed everything up so badly,
and that we’ll get it just right. I thought this way up until I became a father
and realized how difficult parenting could be. I understand the need for
catharsis, fleshing out past hurts and using your past as context for your
future.
Let’s find ways to affirm the good our parents
gave us, which is likely a lot more than we think. Let’s tell them to their
faces how much we appreciate their care, their love, their goodness. Parents,
especially as they age, can be incredibly reflective. They question themselves:
Did I do the right thing? They have regrets, and some even have shame. So be an
encouragement to your parents. Do this often, and do it with intentionality.
6.
Find ways to
bless them in physical ways. Sometimes
this simply means going out for coffee, while listening and letting them talk.
Let them tell those same stories they’ve told before. It’s good for them and
for you. This might mean lending financial support if your parents fall on hard
times without lecturing them.
Offer physical support.
And most sacrificial of all, it might mean allowing them, in their advanced
age, to stay in your home and care for them. We should make sure they are
always well-cared for as best as we can. It’s ironic how the life cycle goes.
Is it not? Our parents spend their most productive years caring for us, and now
we get to return the favor and care for them.
7.
Pray for them. It will be impossible
to honor them without praying for them. Since honoring your parents is a
command, and it is one that doesn’t come natural, we should be asking the Lord
to help us succeed in this area. At the same time we must realize that praying
for our parents is a must for every child who wishes to honor their parents.
Getting older is not easy.
There is a huge temptation to get
discouraged. There are many regrets. There is a cultural pressure to retire and
to live selfishly. There are financial woes. There are serious medical issues.
And death is more and more on the mind. We must be praying for our parents,
because if we don’t, who will?
8.
Set healthy
boundaries. You need to set healthy boundaries
with your parents so they know where the lines are between your family and
them. They don’t always know this, and if the distance is too big, they can
often think they are imposing every time they come over. If the distance is too
small, it can suffocate your own family. You need to “leave” your parents in
the sense that you need to be financially and physically separate as best you
can.
You’ll probably
have to have some honest conversations at times. In setting boundaries, always
do it with grace and respect. Make sure you are making your own decisions in
your family, but don’t hesitate to ask your parents for advice. You don’t have
to take it, but you just might learn something from it and make them feel good.
9.
Take care of them. So much of dealing
with parents comes down to pride. We have seen the worst side of them and have
seen them sin towards others and towards us. And yes there are cases where
reconciliation is impossible, but so far as it depends on us we must fight to
honor God in this area.
10.
Talk to them. It is imperative that
we strive to cultivate relationships with the people God sovereignty ordains in
our lives. And there is no one more important than your parents. God
sovereignty, before the foundations of the earth, determined to place you in
the family you were born in. He handpicked your parents and knit you together
in your mother’s womb. You look like your mother and father, and no matter how
far you travel, or if you change your name, you will always have their blood in
your veins. It is a relationship God has given you that you must do everything
within your power to cultivate.
And it all begins with talking with them.
Talk with them as frequently as possible. Ask them how they’re doing. Think of
questions to ask them. Find things in common. Ask for their advice. Not only
will they feel pretty special that you are asking them, but ultimately they
will probably give you good advice. No one knows you better than they do,
because no one has spent more time watching you and learning about you.
They know your strengths and weaknesses and
can give insight that no one else can. How crazy would it be to have people in
your life who know you so well and not go to them for advice? Of course if your
parents are unbelievers you wouldn’t go to them for spiritual insight, but
whenever possible it shows them honor to ask their input on everyday life
decisions.
11.
Tell them the truth. It’s fascinating how
many children lie to their parents. Perhaps it’s because they don’t want to
disappoint them, or because they are afraid of the consequences. So many
parents have no clue about what their children are up to. It is imperative
though those children never lie to their parents. It is not healthy to have
relationships with those closest to you that are based on a lie. If you have
lied to your parents confess the truth to them and ask them to forgive you.
There is nothing that honors them more than when you are truthful with them.
“Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.” (Proverbs 23:22, MEV)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“5 ways adult children can honor their parents” by Daniel Darling
·
“Honoring Our Parents is a Grown-Up Thing to Do” by
·
“How to
Honor Your Parents as an Adult” by Jordan Standridge
This topic was suggested
by my wife, Bobbi.
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