Dear Friend,
I know you’ve received your share of condolences with enough letters, calls, texts, hugs and little cards on flower arrangements to last you a lifetime. I know those messages will keep appearing every time another person recognizes the hole in your life that this loss has left you with. I know you’ll continue to accept their sympathies graciously. I also know no words will ever be enough.
Death is unbelievable especially when it strikes someone with an unfinished life. Unexpected grief is a horrible thing. Experiencing it makes you feel like a defenseless child once again. You couldn’t possibly comprehend the size or depth of this sorrow. You wonder if it will ever end.
I don’t believe the human mind is ever truly capable of understanding the sudden loss of a loved one. Never being able to speak to, see, or hold your loved one is an unrecognizable thought. We spend our whole lives ignoring the potential of that reality until it confronts us. When it does, it’s so shocking that it doesn’t feel real. You know these things happen, but they happen to other people, right? They don’t happen to you until they do.
You then put on a black outfit, and go through the motions on autopilot like you’re watching someone play you in a movie on TV. You watch the actor plan funeral arrangements, go through old photos, and hug your teary-eyed friends and family. You really hate the movie, but you can’t figure out how to turn it off no matter how many times you try.
Death can take an unfinished life and make it finished. It’s brutally unfair. There are so many unanswered questions about why bad things happen to good people. There are a surplus of feelings and emotions to work through, and often the scars of those battles never really go away. I want you to know I understand that. Everyone who loves you understands that. No matter how much time passes any way you feel is justified.
You can be mad. It’s okay to feel betrayed. It’s okay to feel authentic rage from the injustice everyone was served by losing a person they were supposed to have for a long time. It’s okay to be broken. It’s okay to question everything. It’s okay to cry and yell and lock yourself in your room when you need to. What’s most difficult to realize is that it’s also okay to find joy again. It’s normal to feel guilty as you move on through life when someone else does not. You’ll inevitably feel pressure to act a certain way. There’s no right or wrong way to handle something as perplexing as the loss of a life.
I want you to know that you deserve no regrets. You did everything you were supposed to do, and the unthinkable happened. The impossible became possible. It’s no one’s fault. There is no blame to be dealt. There is no war to be won. Peace is the only medicine, and it comes in time. There will always be good days and bad days. There will be moments where you’ll feel strong and accepting, and others where you simply won’t. I want you to know I’m here for them now, and I’ll be there for all of them. If you’re feeling alone, confused or unwarranted, I want to remind you that you aren’t.
It doesn’t matter if it’s been 7 days or 7 years, I’m here. I’m here for the funny stories, the moments that feel empty and the days that feel endless. I’m here for every version of yourself that arises on this journey, the strong you, the angry you, the broken you, and the accepting you. When you stand in front of that vast, endless ocean of grief and think about its ability to consume you, know that the only way it can do so is if you’re out there without a lifeguard. I’m your lifeguard. I’m here to watch over you from a distance when you need me to, and run to your rescue when you call out. I’m here to keep you afloat and bring you back to shore when you drift too far.
To everyone who’s lost someone too soon, know that you are not alone in your struggle in this life. Loss happens more often than you may realize, and you’re surrounded by lifeguards who are ready to jump in when you need them to. There is no ocean of grief vast enough to combat the power of love. The love around you, the love in your heart and the love of the people watching over you from above will always be strong enough to bring you back to shore.
Sincerely,
Your Lifeguard
“Everyone
grieves differently. Pain is as unique and intricate as the people who bear its
weight on their souls.” (Lexi
Herrick)[i]
[i] Adapted from: “An Open Letter to Anyone Who’s Lost
Someone Too Soon” by Lexi Herrick
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