A Prisoner

To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and discover the prisoner was you.” (Lewis B. Smedes)

Did you know that happy people are more forgiving than unhappy people? Nevertheless, forgiveness is a concept that seems to be mysterious for many of us. Maybe that’s because we’re often try to understand it with the mind. Forgiveness doesn't mean you don't feel anger that can be a healthy emotion. Human beings are wired to avoid pain. It's the way we have survived, but it isn't the way we heal. When we’re hurt, our deepest wounds are triggered.

They are often spoken in a desperate attempt to reject our circumstances. In response, we might turn on ourselves, or in anger express a sentiment to someone similar to this that is birthed from pain, “How could you do this to me? I will never forgive you for this. Forgiveness is not releasing the offender for legal obligations; condoning or excusing; forgetting or refusing to remember the event; and it’s not pretending that everything is fine.

Forgiveness is an internal process. Something you do to help come to terms with a past experience and end your pain, anger, and resentment around the event. You simply decide to stop focusing on blame and instead move forward in a more positive direction. It's a gift you give to yourself. Although the way we handle challenging situations makes a huge difference in the healing process, they both produce pain. Here are a few things to consider and practice if you want to learn to forgive:

1.   A DESIRE to forgive: Refusing to forgive someone that hurt you is not the responsibility of the other person. It’s yours. Anger is the guilty party behind this, and needs to be worked through first. Fear can also play a part when you're unwilling to let go. To process your anger and fear recognize that forgiveness is essential for your own healing.
 

2.   doing the best POSSIBLE: Most people don’t intentionally hurt others. Those who do are in deep pain themselves. Continuing to come back to this truth helps us see the person's humanity instead of demonizing them. When I am hurt by someone I don’t allow myself to speak or think negatively about them. Instead I try to understand what would make them make the choices they have made.
 

3.   only control you: This is a Free Will Zone Universe. We can't make people do what they don't want to. Notice if your pain is coming from the desire to control someone else. Do you want them to do what you think is best? Maybe you're in pain because they went back on their word or changed their mind.

When we feel pain in relationship to another person, we often feel disempowered.  Bring the awareness back to yourself, where you can grow. How you can learn about yourself through this situation? There is always something you can take responsibility for (even if it’s just 1%).

4.   Say it out LOUD: When you need to forgive someone, I say the words out loud as often as possible, “I forgive you, NAME.” Imagine them being completely at peace with themselves, which is what you ultimately want for every human being. At first you might feel a lot of resistance if you’re holding onto the pain tightly. Over time you’ll begin to feel yourself allowing forgiveness, and the words will flow more easily.

 Let them go: There is a healthy part of healing and processing pain, but there is also the obsessive mind that wants to hold on and relive all of the negativity. When your mind goes to the painful situation, ask yourself whether or not this is helping you. Because you love yourself  bring the focus back to you, allow yourself to let go, and focus on the amazing life you deserve.

5.  
 THE PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS: Sometimes the pain is so intense that you can’t imagine how you’ll ever forgive that person. It’s important to remember that healing is a process. You need to focus on yourself during this time, and realize you aren’t quite ready to forgive the other person quite yet. We make progress in the journey of forgiveness.

Just when you think you’ve forgiven someone, you find yourself back in place of pain again. It’s OK to begin the process of forgiveness with someone all over again if it’s needed. Although we’d rather live pain-free lives, these experiences are huge opportunities for our own growth if we allow them to be. When we decide to process our pain, to reflect on ourselves, and to release those who have hurt us, we make tremendous leaps in our own transformation.

 “Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. (Jonathan Lockwood Hule)[i]

---

[i] Sources used:

·        “Forgiveness: 7 Steps to Healing After Someone's Hurt You” by Pushing Beauty

·        “Why Forgiving Others Is the Best Thing You Can Do—for Yourself” by Jessica Cassity