Ill, but Confident

Thankfully, I’ve been in remission from Lymphoma for almost five years now. It’s much easier to see the whole picture of my cancer much more clearly from the other side now. In May 2009, the type of cancer I had was eventually diagnosed due to severe dizziness (or instability on my legs).

I remember the sheer fright I had at the possibility of dying as some had that were diagnosed with Lymphoma in the past. My wife (who had a father that died of cancer) and my 13 year old daughter (Allena) were doing their best to not imagine life without me.

I also chose to medically retire from my 18.5 career with the federal government in August of 2009. I was only 45 at the time (twenty years before I planned to retire). The world I had been so secure in was rapidly changing around me. While chemotherapy last eight months, there were several things I did that made this unique journey more controllable.

1.   With my faith in God, I chose to find the positives in this experience rather than the negative. A bad attitude would make this experience unbearable, and hinder my healing. There were positives with cancer.

They included no side effects from chemotherapy, pleasant stays at The James Cancer Center, writing two books (both by PublishAmerica), increased volunteering (when I could because work duties no longer existed), being able to see my daughter before and after school, helping out with housework, adopting our two male Chihuahuas (Rosco and Chico) that were my companions when I was home alone, friends got me to where I needed to be, the city of Columbus provided special handicapped busing that picked me up from my home and took me to my destination (the reverse was also true), and finally enjoying all the napping, reading, and TV viewing I wanted. Since I was not working, my life was a lot calmer. The majority of my stress was gone.

2.   I discovered that being the one to update my health on my CaringBridge website to keep all those that loved me updated. Since I was the writer, I felt like I had some measure of control (a big thing for cancer patients).

CaringBridge put me more in tune with what was happening in my body.  I touched by all the comments of concern for my health. (CaringBridge is a free website that can be established for people that are ill).

3.   It helped for me to face (head on) the scary possibility of my death (or my finite existence here on Earth). I wasn’t being negative, but if it could happen I wanted to mentally prepare my wife (Bobbi) and daughter for it. During my illness, my wife and I chose to regularly attend a cancer support group.

During this time, I was given the opportunity to do an “exit video” free of charge. This was me on camera giving my wishes for my immediate family in my absence. I didn’t get through this without crying when I became fully aware of what I was doing.

When I was thirteen, my father was killed in a car accident. Though Dad couldn’t help his death, he would never have wanted me to feel abandoned by him. Through truth was many a time I felt out of place as a boy (and male) without my father there to guide me through the choppy waters of being a male.

To this affect, I made a “Heaven Folder” on my computer with a letter to my wife. Four were written for my daughter during important times in her life. I prayed these letters would soften the blow in my absence. I would always be with her in some form even if my physical presence was gone.

The letters I wrote for Allena were at her 16^th birthday, high school graduation, her wedding, and the birth of my first grandchild. (So far, I have passed the first two milestones in her life.)

No matter where you are in your cancer journey, chances are the ones that love you are traveling this challenging path with you. It is my prayer that my suggestions have offered you some measure of calmness in the craziness of cancer.

In the end, your healing and life are not in your hands. Only God decides whether your ultimate healing will occur on Earth or in Heaven. You can be assured the Almighty knows what He is doing (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

You are His precious child. Believe He loves you with every ounce of faith you have left. In the end, could cancer make you a much better person than you were before it? You be the judge.