Dear
Young Men,
As
a man who is not exactly old, but who is certainly old enough to have seen a
few things you probably haven’t, I think it is time someone talks to you
man-to-man. At your age, you spend a great deal of time thinking about how to look
good. You think about how to dress, how to walk, what words to use, how to
greet your friends, how to impress young women and all the other things which
constitute looking good.
What
does everything about being looking good have in common? It is all external
about how other people view you. That’s a problem because the other thing that
guys your age want is to be men... It is about self respect and honor. The actual
state of being which we call “manhood” is very much something which is
internal. You develop a sense of understanding about the way a man thinks, acts,
and speaks from which you do not depart no matter what your peers may think of
you. That will often create a conflict in being a man. You realize that this
conflict can only mean one thing. Looking good is part of childhood and
immaturity. If you are fixated on looking good, you are not yet an adult.
If
you are thinking about what it means to be a man, you are old enough to choose.
You have the emotional wherewithal to decide if you are ready to move beyond
concern for the opinions of others, and into that phase of your life where your
internalized code of honor overrides those opinions, driving you to do what is
correct, appropriate, and right. Being a man is much harder in today’s society.
Just a few generations ago, there was a set of rules for appropriate behavior
which fathers passed on to sons and enforced on them until they were old enough
and mature enough to follow those rules. They recognized their correctness and
importance. Today, most fathers either do not know what those rules are or
consider them too out of date to bother with. They certainly do not teach their
sons these rules and make certain they follow them. If you want to understand
how to truly be a man, you end up having to walk a path in the dark trying to
figure it out for yourself.
Some
men still remember and live by those rules and we are more than happy to pass
them on to not only our own sons but to young men in general. We do so not only
because we want to make sure that our daughters have real men in their lives
when they are old enough, but because society as a whole has fallen into disgrace
since the old rules have been discarded. Here are at least some of the rules,
updated for today:
·
Buy a belt and use it. Thread it
through the loops at the top of your pants, pull those pants up over your hips
and tighten that belt so that your pants do not fall down. If your pants are
loose enough that your underwear is showing, they are too loose. If your
backside is hanging out of your pants, your pants are too loose.
·
Buy some real clothes. Buy yourself
two suits, two sports jackets, half a dozen dress shirts of some understated
color (buttons all the way down and a collar), a couple of dress pants, a
couple of pairs of khakis, a pair of black dress shoes, a pair of brown dress
shoes and a dozen ties without cartoon characters on them. Learn how to wear
these kinds of clothes. For instance, do not wear white socks with dress
clothes and shoes. Dark socks only.
Do not stick both your hands in your pockets at the same time.
Stand up straight. Hold your head up. Learn to stand and sit still instead of
fidgeting. Dress and stand with pride.
·
Put the phone away. When you are in
company, it is rude to text, play games, e-mail or talk on the phone. If it is
an emergency, excuse yourself and walk away before taking the call. And I mean
a real emergency, life and death or something similar.
·
Get a job. Not only will you earn
some money but you will learn discipline, a sense of responsibility, how to
work with others, how to put up with people you do not like telling you what to
do and a hundred other lessons you cannot learn by spending hours every day
playing video games. While you’re at it, put some of that money away. Open a
bank account and put a little in every week.
Don’t touch any of it no matter what. When you are offered
the chance to get a credit card, don’t. Or if you do because someone advised
you to use a credit card to build your credit, only spend 30 or 40 dollars a
month and pay off the bill completely on time every month. There is nothing you
need or want which cannot wait until you have the cash in hand. Credit cards
will enslave you for life if you are careless with them.
·
Help her with her coat. If you are
with a lady and she needs to put on her coat, gently take the coat from her and
hold it for her. Hold it just low enough that she can get her arms in and then
gently lift it onto her shoulders. The first time you do so for a particular
lady, she is likely to be surprised. Again, it does not happen much today. When
she looks at you in surprise, simply smile respectfully. The look in her eyes
will be all the payment you will need.
·
Kiss
her hand. I know it sounds corny these days. Do it anyway. When greeting a lady
and she reaches out her hand to shake yours, take her hand in both of yours,
lift it to her shoulder height, lean down and just lightly touch your lips to
the back of her hand. Don’t slobber or make loud noises. Just touch your lips
to her hand. Chances are that her surprise will be pleasant.
·
Let others go first. Unless it is a
case of life and death, you are not going to gain anything but a few seconds by
elbowing your way ahead of others. Let them go first. This is especially
important with ladies. Again, they deserve respect from you. And don’t be shy
about letting them know just why you are letting them go ahead.
A respectful smile and the words “Ladies first” will go a
long way towards making a lady’s day. They hear such things all too
infrequently these days. To have a young man not only allow a lady to go first
but to tell her that he is cognizant of the respect she deserves is unusual
enough that she will regard it as special. And a lady – every lady – deserves
to have such special things happen as often as possible.
·
Open the door if you are with a
lady, if you see a lady approaching a door, if you are with someone older or
see one of your elders approaching a door, open it and let that person go
through first. For that matter, if someone is having or could have difficulty
with the door (her hands are full, she is pushing a baby stroller, there are
crutches being used and so forth), open the door.
·
Pull out her chair. When a lady is
preparing to sit, walk behind the chair, pull it out just enough that she can
comfortably sit and gently push it in such that she is sitting at the right
position relative to the table.
·
Take off your hat. When you have a
roof over your head, whether it’s a house, a school, or a house of worship,
take off your hat. It is not raining in inside. The sun is not shining in your
eyes. The wind is not blowing. Hats are not appropriate indoors. The same
applies when a lady is in your presence. If you are outdoors and it is raining
or there is a good reason for your hat, remove it for a moment and then put it
back on, but take it off at least momentarily. It shows her that you are
acknowledging her presence and have made a conscious choice to show her
respect.
·
Watch your mouth. Equality has made
women and men think that all language is appropriate in all situations. It
isn’t. Even today, you know which words are not appropriate in all situations.
If you wouldn’t use a word in church or in front of your mother, do not use it
in a lady’s presence. When in doubt, find another word. Do not talk about body
parts which are particular to one gender or another.
Do not talk about the things which take place in a rest room
or the body parts involved. Do not talk about the intimate details of
sexuality. Do not tell dirty jokes. None of these are appropriate in the
presence of a lady.
·
Women are not toys. Don’t play with
their emotions and affections. Don’t stare at their various body parts. When
you take a lady on a date, do not think about how to get sex at the end of the
night. That is not the reason women were put on this Earth. Walk her to her
door at the end of the night. Kiss her on the cheek or – if she wants – lightly
on the lips. Be happy if she lets you hold her hand.
It
all comes down to having a code of honor, a set of rules to live by and
sticking to them no matter what. Your friends may laugh at you. They will say
that you are being ridiculous. They will tell you that nobody acts this way
anymore and that these rules don’t matter. They will be wrong. There are some
who do live by these rules.
Those
who do so will get better jobs, be held in higher regard by the people who
matter and receive as much respect from ladies and the rest of the world as
they give. I wish you the best of luck in your journey towards manhood. It is
in all sincerity that I say that I hope you will be true men and that my letter
has in some small way helped you.
Sincerely,
Imre
Beke
“If” by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your
head when all about you
Are
losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust
yourself when all men doubt you,
But
make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not
be tired by waiting,
Or
being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t
give way to hating,
And
yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not
make dreams your master;
If
you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with
Triumph and Disaster
And
treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear
the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you
gave your life to, broken,
And
stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap
of all your winnings
And
risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start
again at your beginnings
And
never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your
heart and nerve and sinew
To
serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when
there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with
crowds and keep your virtue,
Or
walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor
loving friends can hurt you,
If
all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the
unforgiving minute
With
sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and
everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son![i]
[i] Adapted from: “An Open Letter to Young
Men” by Imre Beke
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