From the very beginning, men and
women have been different. God designed Eve to match Adam in most respects, but
also to be different from him in others. Though differences existed, there was
still the prospect of Adam and Eve complementing one another in a close
relationship. Their differences could be used to strengthen one another.
Communication was a key tool for this to happen.
In the fall, God’s design for men and
women has been distorted. The differences between men and women can be
exaggerated resulting in unnecessary division between the genders. The
differences between men and women can be ignored yielding confusion about the
whole concept of gender. In both cases, communication is a key tool
contributing to the division and the confusion.
Men and women
are different in many ways. They see the world through completely different
perspectives. The key to understanding their differences is in the way that men
and women talk to each other. If you’re struggling
to understand the opposite sex, let’s make it more understandable. Here are
ways in which men and women differ when it comes to communication:
Apologizing- For women, apologizing is a way of forming and maintaining connections
with people. It shows respect and humility. Many women understand that saying “sorry” can solve a lot of issues.
Men often find apologizing harder than women as it feels as though they are
giving in. They worry that they will be seen as weak for accepting blame, and
may feel as though their power or authority will be compromised by apologizing.
When
women are apologized to, it can almost feel like a bond. There is a level of
mutual respect with the person they’re talking to, and they feel as though they
have been listened to. Feeling as though their opinions are valued and taken
into account is very important to women, which is why apologies can mean so
much to them. Men, on the other hand, see being apologized to as the other
person’s way of accepting the hierarchy, and men can often feel as though this
reinforces their position of power.
Body
Language-Men can be seen
to keep themselves very much to themselves. While having a conversation, many
men come across as serious and practical. They will speak and listen, but there
isn’t much else going on. Much of men’s communication is verbal involving
vocabulary and inflection. Women have another layer to their communication:
non-verbal.
Women
tend to use gestures as visual aids while talking and use their facial
expressions much more. Women nod their heads when listening is something that
women typically do more than men. Using open body language and engaging their
audience by ‘talking with their hands’ is another thing that more women than
men tend to incorporate into a conversation.
Compliments-Men don’t tend to give out compliments as much as
women do. If they do, they are normally aimed at a potential partner rather
than a friend or colleague. Women are much more likely than men to give out
compliments. For them, it is way a forming a bond and showing respect. It is
also a way of showing that they are on the same level as the person they are
speaking to. By complimenting someone, women show that they are not a threat
and that they can be trusted. This links in with a woman’s need or desire to form
connections and find commonalities.
Feelings vs Factual-Men like to get to the facts early on. Conversation
tends to serve a purpose. It is simply a way to get the information needed. The
conversations men have are often very fact-based, and may revolve around
sports, work, and finances. Conversations may end rather suddenly as men often
avoid small talk and pointless questions.
Women
prefer to dig deep in conversations, and often try to explore the feelings of
the person they’re talking with. This is attributed to the fact that women are
believed to be more compassionate and empathetic. Female friends prefer to talk about
emotions and complex situations as opposed to statistical or truthful issues.
Women tend to be happier extending conversations than men do.
Friend or Foe-Men can see other people as a threat in ways that
women often do not. This tends to lead to a friend or foe situation where men
quickly try to assess a person or situation. This can come across in a
negative, slightly aggressive way at times as men are trying to filter
information efficiently in order to understand the situation quickly.
Women are
much more likely to go for a friendly approach and build a rapport with whoever
they are talking to. This is what ultimately leads to those longer,
detail-filled conversations we mentioned earlier. Rather than seeing someone as
a threat to their power or authority, women feel more compelled to find common
interests or experiences, and form bonds from them.
Listening-Men are
conditioned to listen actively. When a woman initiates conversation he assumes
she is seeking his advice or assistance. He engages with the woman, filtering
everything she’s saying through the lens of, “What can we actually do about
this?” Learning to listen patiently — not just passively — doesn’t
come easily to him. Women see
conversation as a productive end in and of itself. If she feels sufficiently
heard or understood she may not need to take further action to resolve a
problem or “make things better.” The fact that she has been listened to calms
her anxieties and dulls the pangs of negative feelings. Sharing with someone
who understands and cares her heals her from the inside and equips her with the
emotional tools necessary to handle the trials of the outside world.
Negotiating-For men, negotiating is often not an option. It is a
sign of weakness and shows that they are giving in or being submissive to
whoever they are talking to. By going back on what they have said, or agreeing
to someone else’s ideas or plans, men often feel as though they are being
emasculated. In terms of time, men prefer to cut to the chase and get things
done quickly.
Women tend to be happier negotiating. Finding a middle ground doesn’t
show weakness on anyone’s behalf, rather a mutual respect and desire to get the
job done. This links in to the fact that women are more prone to having longer
conversations, where there is space for discussion and everyone will be heard.
The important thing here for women is that things get done properly, and,
often, more fairly.
Quality vs Quantity-Men prioritize productivity and efficiency
in their daily life, and conversation is no exception. When he tells a story he
has already sorted through the muck in his own head, and shares only those details
that he deems essential to the point of the story. He might wonder, “Why do
women need to talk as much as they do?” Often he will interrupt a woman once he
has heard enough to offer a solution. In the workplace, where men can
feel particularly competitive, there is no need for pointless talk.
The conversation does not need to be long, and can end once they are
satisfied. Women are likely to have longer conversations. These will involve questions about the other’s personal life such as asking about family members,
health, and weekend plans. Women often feel less competitive, and would rather
put out a conversation and maintain a good bond with the person they’re talking
to.
She uses communication to explore and organize her
thoughts to discover the point of the story. She may not know what
information is necessary or excessive until the words come spilling out. But a
woman isn’t necessarily searching for a solution when she initiates a
conversation. She’s looking for someone to listen and understand what she’s
feeling.
The Details-Men believe communication should have a
clear purpose. Behind every conversation is a problem that needs solving or a
point that needs to be made. Women
prefer to get into the details and find out as much as possible. Women often
look for context and background information rather than simply responding to a
situation in isolation.
This lends itself to a woman’s naturally empathetic side. They would
rather see a situation in context and figure out why someone may be behaving
the way that they are rather than making a quick judgment. Women use communication to
discover how they are feeling and what it is they want to say. They see
conversation as an act of sharing and an opportunity to increase intimacy with
her partner.
Through sharing, they
release negative feelings. Women are happier sharing information about
themselves, their relationships, and work than men tend to be. This links back
to the fact that men want to be efficient in their conversations and get to the
point as rapidly as possible.
“Men need to remember that when women seem
upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions. Instead she
needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own.” (John Gray)[i]
[i] Sources used:
·
“5 Ways Men & Women Communicate Differently” by Richard Drobnick
