Falling

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times always with the same person. “ (Mignon McLaughlin)

Infidelity is painful to all parties involved. Nothing feels worse than being betrayed by someone close to you.  There are many types of infidelity, ranging from all-out sexual relationships to simple fantasizing.  People engage in extramarital affairs for many reasons, but lack of sexual and emotional satisfaction are among the top two. Below are the disturbing 2017 statistics for affairs:

·         10% of affairs begin online.

·         14% of women admit they might have an affair to get back at a spouse.

·         14% of women admit to cheating on their significant other.

·         17% of men and women admit to having an affair with a sister-in-law or brother-in-law.

·          22% of men say that they've cheated on their significant other.

·         35% of men and women admit to cheating while on a business trip.

·         36% of men and women admit to having an affair with a coworker.

·         40% of the time online affairs turn into real life affairs.

·         9% of men admit they might have an affair to get back at a spouse.

·         Affairs are most likely to occur two years into a marriage.

·         Almost all adults (90%) disapprove of marital infidelity, but as many as one-quarter engage in extramarital affairs

·          In over 1/3 of marriages, one or both partners admit to cheating.

·         Over ⅓ of marriages, one or both partners admit to cheating.

·         People who have cheated before are 350% more likely to cheat again.

Cheating on your spouse doesn’t just happen by random magic. Almost all infidelity is preceded by decisions demonstrating poor boundaries around the marriage, and the relationship between the spouses. These boundaries are critically important in protecting a marriage from destructive external influences: including infidelity. Here are some careful choices to make in avoiding an extra-marital affair in your marriage:

1.   Be honest with the Lord about any temptations you may be having. Pray over these things, and give them to the Lord. God already knows what you are struggling with so talk over these temptations and issues with Him. 

2.   Date your spouse Enjoy as much time as you can with your spouse. Maybe you are being tempted because you aren’t spending enough quality time together.  

 

3.   Don’t flirt with someone of the opposite gender (even just a little) Intentionally treat other men or women with respect. Even casual flirting can lead to trouble. Try to be professional, business-like, and kindly distant with any man or woman who is not your spouse.

Too many affairs happen between good friends and great family friends. Affairs can even happen in within families. Lines get blurred. People get too comfortable. Big mistakes happen. Be careful with how you act and react to anyone of the opposite gender.

4.   Don’t have long talks over the phone or online with anyone of the opposite gender (who is not a blood relative) One of the main reasons for divorce today is people hooking up through social media or with someone who they meet on the Internet. Watch out online.  Be careful with counseling and one-on-one prayer situations.

It is best for men to meet with men and women to meet with women if possible. Pastors and ministerial staff need to be especially cautious when counseling with church members one-on-one. Keep the doors open. Invite a third person into the session. Take every precaution to protect your marriage especially if you are in the ministry.

5.   Don’t socialize anywhere with a person of the opposite gender (unless they are a blood relative) There is no reason you need to be alone with a person (who is not your spouse) of the opposite sex for a meal (or anything else). If it’s a work thing, try to involve an additional friend. Somehow, adding one person can offer protection for our marriages.

If it is possible, invite a third person to ride in the car with you. Even a young child can provide some protection and accountability. If you find yourself in a tough spot at work, try to discuss the situation with your boss or co-worker in a gracious and honest manner. Speak the truth in love, but speak the truth as needed. Your goal is a happy marriage.

6.    Fall in love with Jesus all over again  Spend time with Him. Open your Bible and pray more. Turn on Christian music. Read more inspirational books. Allow God to fill your empty places. The truth is anyone on any day or at any time can make a mistake. None of us are exempt from temptation. Don’t play around with the fire of sin. (You will get burned.)

 When you are tempted don’t ever say, “God is tempting me,” for God is incapable of being tempted by evil and he is never the source of temptation. Instead it is each person’s own desires and thoughts that drag them into evil and lure them away into darkness.  Evil desires give birth to evil actions. And when sin is fully mature it can murder you!  So my friends don’t be fooled by your own desires.  (James 1:13-16, TPT)

7.   If you are tempted to have an affair, talk to a trusted friend of the same gender Ask this trusted friend to pray for you. Give them the freedom to hold you accountable. There is something about admitting you are tempted that could protect you ,and prevent you from blowing it.

 

8.   Initiate regular intimacies with your spouse If you need love and affection, seek out your own spouse. They will likely love this attention from you. It’s possible that you are being tempted because you are not enjoying the relationship God has given you. 

 

9.   Women, don’t read a lot of fictional romance novels or watch many fictional love movies  By reading and watching too much romantic fiction, you will start to believe you would be better off with someone else. You will begin to become discontent with the marriage relationship that you do have. You’ll start to desire what you do not have.

 Often, romantic movies and books can become for women what pornography can become for many men. Women will imagine and dream of some perfect relationship that they do not have. Be careful with these. Read and watch them in limited amounts.

“I don't like to discuss my marriage, but I will tell you something which may sound corny but which happens to be true. I have steak at home. Why should I go out for hamburger?”  (Paul Newman)[i]

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[i] Sources used:

·         “5 Ways to Affair-Proof Your Long-Term Relationship” by Susan Krauss Whitbourne  

·        “22 Ways to Avoid Cheating On Your Spouse” by Marriage Advocates

·        “10 Ways to Completely Avoid An Affair” by Melanie Redd 

·        “Infidelity Statistics 2017: Why, When, and How People Stray” by trustifyinfo

 

 

Empathy

“Emotion coaching parents aren't impatient with their child's negative emotions. Their first goal is to communicate understanding and empathy.” (Dr. John Gottman)

Emotion Coaching is a process that helps children learn how emotions work, and how to behave in healthy ways when their feelings are strong. All emotions serve a purpose, and need to be expressed. It also teaches the skills that help children to thrive both socially and academically. Dr. John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, deveoped emotion coaching.

Children are guided through their experiences of emotions, which aid them in problem solving. Children are emotional beings and need to express themselves.  Becoming an Emotion Coach allows a parent to nurture their entire child. Children who believe their feelings are important have high self-esteem. They have the ability to control and regulate their responses to a variety of experiences. Gottman broke down the emotion coaching into five steps below that teach children about feelings so they can make better choices:

1.   Be aware of emotions: Emotion coaching requires parents to become aware of their child’s emotions as well as their own emotions. Allowing yourself and your child the freedom to feel any emotion is the heart of emotion coaching.

Feelings are okay, and no one should be judged or criticized for feeling a certain way. Pay attention to the ways in which your child responds to emotions such as anxiety, sadness, anger, and excitement. Look for cues, such as body language, facial gestures, and behavioral changes.

2.   Connect with your child: Instead of turning away when a child has a tantrum to ignore the behavior. Emotion coaching recommends direct instruction. Encourage your child to recognize his emotions. Help him verbalize his feelings. Intervene when you notice they are becoming upset so guidance can be offered, and misbehavior prevented. Don’t try to fix your child’s negative emotions but show him that it is normal to have lots of different kinds of feelings.

3.   Listen to your child: Listening to a child is an essential part of emotion coaching. Validate your child’s feelings and show them that you accept their feelings. Show that you take your child’s emotions seriously. Avoid saying things like, "Quit worrying. It's not a big deal," because your child's challenges are a big deal to them.

 

4.   Name emotions: Help your child learn how to recognize and verbalize their feelings. Don’t try to tell him what they should be feeling. Instead of saying, "Don't be scared," point out how they appear to be feeling to validate that their feelings are okay. Labeling your child's feelings will increase their emotional vocabulary. When you show your child you understand how they feel, they'll put less energy into trying to show you that's their upset.

 

5.   Find solutions: Emotion coaching focuses on preventing misbehavior when possible. When a child is entering into a situation where their likely to become easily frustrated, help them identify ways to manage their frustration ahead of time. When your child misbehaves, encourage them to identify that feeling that led to the behavior.

Let children develop their own creative solutions. If your child throws things when they get angry, sit down together and create a list of other things they could do when their mad. Catch your child being good as often as possible, and use praise to encourage positive behavior. Set limits when necessary by using discipline techniques such as logical consequences or time out.

 “You are your child's emotional coach. It's up to you to help children to talk about their feelings, label them, & feel understood.” (Dr. John Gottman)[i]

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[i] Sources used:

·     “Are You an Emotion Coaching Parent?” by Melissa Benaroya

·        “How to Use Emotion Coaching With Your Children” by Amy Morin, LCSW

 

The Smiles

“Colors are the smiles of nature.”  (Leigh Hunt)

There is a reason why people prefer certain colors over others. This preference says volumes about our personalities. Each color has a reaction to our brain when we internalize it. What is it about the rainbow that gives most people a sense of happiness?

Color psychology is a less explored branch of the study of how our brain perceives what it visualizes. Colors impact how our brains are used in decision making. Color is the dissection of light at different wavelengths, which is perceived as a separate color. Color affects our lives without us even realizing it. Animals don’t see the world of color that we have in our heads.

How we feel color varies from person to person. Some colors give us a sense of serenity and calm. These usually lie within the blue side of the spectrum-that consists of purple and green too (known as the cool side). Others induce rage and produce discomfort, or signify passion. These lie within the red spectrum-which includes orange and yellow ( known as the warm side).

Color stimulates our brain. From the ancient times, that has proven to be useful alternative psychotherapy. The Egyptians and Chinese used colors to heal; a process that is known is chromotherapy. Colors were used to in order to help the body function better.

Since every human being has different emotions attached to different colors, the universal significance of colors may or may not work in these cases. Color has power both subconsciously and consciously. Here are six unusual ways in which color can affect all of us:

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·        Aggressive and intimidating Certain shades can have a bad influence on our mood. The colors that dominate here are dark ones. Black, navy blue, shades of grey – all of them look authoritative and intimidating. They create the illusion of seriousness and power.

This is why powerful people like wearing dark toned suits. Red provokes aggressiveness. Something in our perception of red makes us go wild. Even though it can be a passionate color, it can also be aggressive and over-confident. For example, people who have red cars love to show off and think they have all the power in the world. Also, they attract a lot of attention, which only adds to this feeling.

·        Confidence Black and red have been voted the most confidence-inspiring colors. Both men and women would prefer wearing black to important interviews. According to them, black is the biggest confidence booster.

When it came specifically to first dates, women said they’d rather wear something red as it inspires passion. When it came to men, whether it was a date or anything else their color preference seemed to be blue or black. And these were the two colors women liked most on men.

·        Buying habits The majority of buys are based on the visual appearance of the product in question. You wouldn’t choose a damaged package over a brand new one in the supermarket would you? Physical appearance plays a big role in the retail industry. Moreover, most of the products are red because red “screams” for attention. A product with a red label or packaging will grab your attention faster than any other product because it invites you to look at it.

This color works best on spontaneous shoppers. Green, on the other hand, is the opposite. It is used in shops in order to relax the buyers. Green is often related to nature and the environment hence the relaxing effect. Because of this relation to nature, many environmental organizations have a green logo like Greenpeace, or the Animal Planet Channel.

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·        Eat less What if I told you that the color of the kitchen walls, and plates, can affect your food intake? People who eat from red plates eat less food. Additionally, white plates seem bigger than they actually are. No matter how much food you put on a white plate it will seem like it’s never enough. So, white plates make you eat more. If you want to eat less, try blue plates. Blue can suppress your appetite.

 

·      ·        Healthier food choices   If some food is more colorful and bright, it will stand out in our field of view as  we l put all our attention on it. When it comes to food, colorful means healthy. Just think of fruits and vegetables. Each color has its own benefit. For example, orange foods (oranges, carrots, pumpkin) are rich with antioxidants.

White foods (garlic, mushrooms, potatoes) are extremely good for your health because they have anti-inflammatory properties. Therefore, making your plate a rainbow of food colors is essential for your health. Try to include a fruit or a vegetable at least once per day. And more importantly, if you are a parent, include them in your child’s diet as soon as possible.

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·      Stay calm   The opposite of aggression is calmness and peacefulness. Unlike the colors in the previous section, there are some that have a soothing effect on us. For example, the color blue. It represents the sky and sea, the elements that make us calm. Most bedrooms are painted blue for that exact reason.

Moreover, a lot of office spaces are also blue because it’s believed that it awakens productivity. Another color with these properties is green. It symbolizes serenity and makes us feel close to nature. Additionally, yellow is thought to be an optimistic color. It can make us happy and stimulate our minds.

“A person who has lots of anger inside definitely loves people more than anyone else can…If red color indicates anger then it indicates love too.” (healthythoughts.in)[i]

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[i] Sources used:

·        “6 Unusual Ways in Which Color can Affect our Choices in Life” by Ivan Dimitrijevic

·                “The Psychology and Meaning of Colors” by Color Psychology

 

 

Taste

“Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out.”  (Auliq Ice)

Verbal abuse is a way of attacking or negatively defining another person using words or silence as a weapon. It can take a variety of forms ranging from loud rants to passive-aggressive remarks.

From the scriptures, Ephesians 4:31 (ERV) says this about verbal abuse: “Never be bitter, angry, or mad. Never shout angrily or say things to hurt others. Never do anything evil. “James 1:19 (VOICE) gives this warning:  ^“Listen, open your ears, harness your desire to speak, and don’t get worked up into a rage so easily, my brothers and sisters.”

Verbal abuse is part of many relationships with 98% of victims being female.  You’ve been hurt so many times, and your self-esteem has suffered. Verbal abuse can seem normal through rationalizing that change will happen tomorrow, but it never does. You will find that even a dog will avoid dealing with (or escaping)  and hiding from one human verbally abusing their victim.  Verbal abuse can show some of the following signs:

·        Attacks on personal character

·        Blame and accusations

·        Shame and judging

·        Sarcasm and twisting what is said

·        Rewriting history

·        Playing the victim

·        Manipulation, control, and coercion

·        Unpredictable explosions

·        Criticism that is harsh and undeserved

·        Swearing

·        Intimidation

·        Escalating situations

The best way to respond to a verbal abuse is to attempt to reason with him or her. When a person negatively defines you, your natural reaction is to attempt to convince the abuser why they are mistaken. In doing so, you're expecting the abuser to listen to reason. The fact is that you cannot justify  verbal abuse.

The only effective way to put an end to verbal abuse is to call that person out each time their venomous words strike. If someone blames you for something you have no control over, you need to ignore the actual content of what's been said, identify the type of abuse employed, name it, and calmly ask the abuser to stop it.

There will inevitably be situations in which calling out the abuser will be unsuccessful. If this calm approach does not work, the only meaningful response to verbal abuse is to physically remove your presence from the situation.  By refusing to engage with the verbal abuse and refraining from trying to reason with them, you are showing that he or she is not acting rationally.

You are not going to put up with the behavior.  Some abusers will learn to change their behavior through repeated exposure to this approach; others will not. If you are repeatedly exposed to verbal abuse from a partner, friend, colleague, or family member, it may be necessary to temporarily or permanently end the relationship.

 “It is easier to build up a child than to repair an adult…Choose your words wisely.” (Anonymous)[i]

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[i] Sources used

·        “Life with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: The Verbally Abusive Marriage” by Dr. David

·        “The Most Effective Way to Put an End to Verbal Abuse” by  Berit Brogaard

·         “Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship” by New Hope, Inc

 

This topic was suggested by my wife, Bobbi.