The Difference

“The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behaviors affect the rights and well being of others.”  (Sharon Anthony Bower)

Have you ever admired a co-worker who’s able to pilot through demanding situations with professionalism even with difficult personalities involved? This person can deflect anger and frustration in the problem-solving process, and won’t settle for an outcome that would sacrifice their self-respect among their contemporaries.

What being exhibiting is a key personality attribute that’s important in both business and life: assertiveness. Some of us avoid confrontation while others have tempers that go off at the slightest provocation. Assertiveness requires skill and takes time to cultivate, but it’s a quality you should aspire to master.

Being assertive is a happy medium between the two extremes of aggressive and passive. While aggressive people adopt the “my way or leave” position, they come off as hostile and abrasive. Passive people can be pushovers. They give up their power and allow themselves to be taken advantage of, which creates a formula for resentment and exhaustion.

Assertive individuals tend to seek out and create winning scenarios. Assertive people understand the value of making their desires and beliefs known. Their pride isn’t damaged if their solution isn’t the one that’s chosen.

These people are confident and assured. They approach situations with objectivity, communicate clearly, and work through challenges in a low-stress, no-drama, and self-honoring way. Below are important reminders for those who wish to become more assertive.

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·        Keep growing emotionally: The more you learn will mean the more connected you can feel to your skills and knowledge. Confidence is rooted in knowing yourself, your value, and the things you can offer to the world around you. Continue to cultivate your career, and acknowledge how your efforts and strengths bring benefits to your work environment.

Have patience with yourself as you make these changes. You may stumble through difficult conversations or lose nerve at the last moment. That’s okay because many new things are hard at first,. Building a direct communication style is a process.

·        Know your boundaries: Learning and respecting your personal boundaries is an important step toward regulating stress and frustration. Taking on extra projects despite missing important family events, or continuing to answer work emails from your bed despite the interference with a proper night’s rest. Burnout is made of these ingredients.

Think about what you can realistically expect of yourself, and respect your limitations. We are all bound by our humanness and by time. There is no getting around those things even if deadlines are threatening. Everyone benefits from your direct communication. Being exhausted or resentful is not only miserable. It keeps you from performing at your best.

·        Know your rights: Educate yourself on the things you’re entitled to in your workplace. The big wall of posted notices in your lunchroom, your employee policy manual,  and your job description. Learn the legal and ethical boundaries of what you can expect from your work environment.

If you are being subjected to mistreatment, there may be protections in place to help you. Knowledge can help empower you to seek what you need.

·        The difference between assertive and aggressive: Many people quiet their voice because they have come to believe that speaking up is synonymous to being bossy, pushy, or disrespectful of other people. Being assertive does not have to be any of those things. It means to value your own thoughts, feelings, and voice as well as those of others. You can continue to be a kind, likable person while communicating directly.

 Assertive communication’s goal is to create the best outcome for you in cooperation with the others in your workplace. “I disagree with that” is assertive, honest, and opens up further conversation to move toward resolution. “What kind of stupid idea is that?” is aggressive and minimizing. It shuts down conversation.

·        Prepare and practice: Prepare to be assertive at work with a journal, therapy, or close relationships. Imagine what it might be like to communicate something difficult to your coworker or boss. Ask yourself the following questions: What is my goal? What do I want to say? How would I like to say it? Act it out in your mind by practicing both the ideal scenario and the scenario that scares you the most.

Try talking it through with a loved one who would be open to role playing. Say aloud what you would like to communicate at work.  Consider the phrases that are often difficult for you to say, and rehearse them for future use.

·        Recognize your value: Nurture a realistic and respectful perspective on your value as a person. Many people struggle with attributing their failures to internal flaws, and their successes to luck. This contributes to a sense of worthlessness. Take a step back and think about what you contribute to your workplace.

For now, try to quiet any internal criticism that wants to scrutinize your flaws, mistakes, and failures. Those thoughts can evoke shame and cloud your ability to see your positive attributes. Take a balanced inventory of who you’ve been at work. Note both good things that you’ve done, and anything you might want to improve on.

 “The practice of assertiveness: being authentic in our dealings with others; treating our values and persons with decent respect in social contexts; refusing to fake the reality of who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid disapproval; the willingness to stand up for ourselves and our ideas in appropriate ways in appropriate contexts.” (Nathaniel Branden) [i]

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[i] Sources used:

·        “6 Tips for Being More Assertive at Work” by Cristalle Sese

·        “How to Be More Assertive at Work (Without Being a Jerk)” by Melody J. Wilding

 

Dedicated to my wife, Bobbi